A letter to my son who would be 12 today

 

empty swing

 

Dear Louis,

There is so much I wish I could say to you today.

I want to watch you open your presents, I want to talk about the fun we had this summer, how your first week at secondary school went and what you want for your birthday breakfast.

I want to talk about the years that have gone-by too quickly, how fast you’ve grown and the memories we’ve built.

I want to talk about your friend’s, the fun you’ve had and the trouble you cause.

I want to talk about the holidays we’ve been on, when you learnt to swim and ride a bike.

I want to talk about our family, I wish I could see you sitting with your sisters this morning. They would have loved a big brother.

I want to hold you and tell you that I loved you from the moment I saw you. At which point you’d probably shrug me off because 12 year old boys aren’t into soppy mums.

I want so many things for you, and for me, on your birthday. Things we can never have.

Today is the day my arms feel the most empty and I feel the weight of sadness. It’s OK to be sad sometimes isn’t it? I used to fight it and would plan your birthday so that it meant something. A trip somewhere beautiful, release a balloon, involve your sisters, make it special and make every action count. It didn’t work though did it? – nothing ever lessened the sting. So I gave it all up and now we spend the day together, just you and me.

The way that it was when we started out on this journey 12 years (+ 9 months) ago, just you and me. It was just the two of us when you died. I don’t even know what time it was but you were warm inside me and loved – I don’t know why you died but I would have moved the earth to save you, if only I’d known.

This is our day, in all its ugliness and with all its love. I’ll take a walk and light a candle. I’ll cry, be angry and sad.

Tomorrow I will return to the business of living but for today, Happy Birthday Louis, I am with you.

Love Mummy xx

Mama and More

 

2 Comments on A letter to my son who would be 12 today

  1. zarouhi@hotmail.com'
    Mama and More aka Zaz
    5th October 2014 at 8:31 am (3 years ago)

    It has taken me a while to be able to comment on this post. I needed to be able to write without the tears blurring my vision, and still now as I type I have a lump in my throat and am misting up. This October marks my year 3 of my miscarried baby (not at all the same I know as a still born, but a loss nevertheless). My son who came after is also called Louis, so i hope you can understand why I feel a little emotional. This was a beautiful, sweet, enormously touching post, and I think it is important for you that you mark it as something that you went through together. Does imagining him going through he stages he might have done help? I hope so. Sending thoughts and strength to you. Thankyou for linking to #AllAboutYou

    Reply
    • Claire
      6th October 2014 at 12:15 pm (3 years ago)

      Hi, Thank you for your lovely comment – I’m so glad that the post meant something to you, but I do feel bad making people cry! I’m so sorry for your loss. The notion that one loss is any less than another doesn’t sit well with me – we are the sum of experiences, and the level of grief we know is personnel.
      I don’t often imagine the stages, I think because he was my first and I can’t yet imagine having a child that age. It did catch me this year though when I saw all the children going off for their first day at secondary school. I think that’s where the post came from, imaging all the years lost to us.
      Remembering our children all the years down the line is hard – blogging about it is very cathartic for me, it’s like putting it all out there into the ether, knowing that someone out there understands exactly how I feel. So thank you for commenting, it means such a lot.
      I hope your own anniversary this month goes as well as it can. Xx

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>